2008: Year of Financial Stability? December 31, 2007

It’s not my intention to turn this into a debt blog, although I do admire some of the ones that are out there, like “Make Love, Not Debt” (could have used that one when I was married). There are enough people out there who can make the connection between my identity and this blog that it’s probably not a good idea. But I do want to make progress when it comes to my financial situation in 2008, so blogging about it — at least generally — might help, right?

How I Got Here

How come I am not where I want to be financially at the beginning of 2008? There are three major explanations: student loans; recent divorce + job loss; wrong attitudes about money. I want to make progress towards fixing all three in 08.

Student Loans:

I went to law school — a long time ago, it seems. My parents at the time could not help me much financially, and I went directly to law school after college, which meant I was generally eligible for the maximum financial aid packages offered. I borrowed as much as I could, thinking that I would be a lawyer, so wouldn’t have any trouble paying it off. What I didn’t realize at such a young age was that I would have a lot of trouble paying it off taking the kind of jobs that mattered to me — public interest-oriented positions. Once I got out, I was generally steadily employed, but made so little that I generally qualified for deferments and forbearances. When I maxed out on those, I finally started making payments, but even those have been sporadic, as I figured out a trick to miss a payment without affecting my credit rating.

No more — I’m going to make 12 payments in 2008, which will probably be the first year ever that this has happened. If I achieve some of my other goals, then I can start making payments that are greater than the minimum.

The last 2 1/2 years:

I went from a marriage where we were struggling financially, to a separation where I moved across the country, to a financial agreement with my ex-husband that he didn’t honor, to a job that took six months to pay me for my last month of work. Each time I thought I had recovered from the last blow, another one came along. There were times my life was like that annoying commercial: Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Based upon love and his family’s lack of support for things like weddings and first home purchases, I assumed a lot of credit card debt — in my name. I thought having a house was a necessary precursor to having a family, rather than being one of the triggers that made him decide he wasn’t ready — for any of it. My parents helped out a lot to get me out of the situation and across the country, even though I know they really wanted me closer to home. Then he stopped paying — anything — and the bills he agreed to pay went into collections. Right about that time, my former employer went under, and although I got a new job right away, given that I was already so close to the margins, it impacted me pretty severely to not get paid. More family debt.

Wrong money attitudes:

Even if all of the above hadn’t happened, I expect that I would have a challenging time managing my money. Why? One, because I value experiences more than saving for a rainy day. If I have an opportunity to travel, or go to a concert, or eat an amazing meal, then I’m probably going to do it, even if it means I’m barely scraping by. Two, because my career choices to date have not been high-paying. One of the least important factors has been what a job pays, while one of the most has been the ability to make a difference or do something I love.

I don’t think I have to sell out just to better manage my financial stability. I’m now doing better than I ever have, and while I’m not 100% where I want to be, I feel like I’m getting there.

My goals for 2008:

1. Eliminate credit card debt. This is doable, using the “debt snowball” approach.

2. Cut family-related debt in half. If my ex lives up to our financial agreement, like he said he would, and I start making payments when my car is paid off this year, this is also doable. If he doesn’t, it’ll be more of a challenge, but still important.

3. Establish $1500 emergency fund. Yes, I know you’re supposed to have 3 to 6 months, but this will be an important start, coupled with paying down the credit cards (which also could be used for emergencies if needed.)

4. Make all student loan payments this year. I can do this — I’m making more than I ever have before.

5. Start investing in the 401(k) at work when I’m eligible (after 1 year of employment). Or put the same amount in a Roth or other IRA.

6. Make quarterly tax payments. I am now doing some consulting, so it’s important to keep up with the tax payments along the way.

7. No late payment fees, overdraft fees, or financial penalties of any kind for not paying what’s due by the time it’s due. They are just penalties for being stupid with money. I’m already paying some extreme interest rates due to my shredded credit — that’s enough.

By the end of the decade, I have the potential to be doing very well — by following these guidelines, I can get there. This will address all three of the factors that have been limiting me, and will represent key progress for me.

Life’s Full of Possibilities December 17, 2007

For those who know me, they’d probably agree that 2007 has been a real bitch to me. But viewing the year that way wouldn’t be a very nuanced analysis, I’m starting to think.

On the life stressor scale, I’d rank pretty high, although I didn’t actually print it out and start to add it up — that might cause even more stress. This past week, I finalized a divorce after an almost 2 1/2 year separation, and yep, I had to handle virtually all of the details even though it wasn’t something I initially wanted. Over the last several weeks, I’ve also been managing the breakup of a relationship that happened post-separation. It was time, no matter how difficult, to acknowledge that things just weren’t happening between us, and continuing in the relationship, while it might be easy and comforting, wasn’t fair to either one of us.

Then there was my job situation. In March, I was laid off of my job of five years — a job in which I had completely thrived and constantly pushed the boundaries of my skills and abilities. The organization had run out of money, and no matter how good we were in some respects, that didn’t keep the bills paid. The real irony came ten days after I was laid off, when we received word of a major recognition: the equivalent of an Oscar nomination in my field. Or perhaps it was when an organization devoted to the principles of fairness couldn’t figure out how to pay me in full for six months after I was laid off. (This just happened to be the same time the now ex-husband decided to stick me with all the bills from our marriage, essentially shredding my credit rating.)

I was lucky when I found a new job right away — or was I? Although I found an organization whose principles and target audience were completely compatible, I inherited a job whose title and description didn’t match day-to-day reality — not even close. I spent each day working on tasks for which I was ill-suited, while the work I loved was beyond my grasp. I was so miserable that I actually started looking for work in the first couple of months, although no better opportunities immediately presented themselves.

In the midst of all this stress, I put on weight, which I really couldn’t afford to do (who can, right?). Several years ago, I had lost over 60 pounds. It was a real accomplishment that made a difference in my life. Finally, I felt like people were seeing me for myself, and not as the fat woman, and it really bolstered my self-confidence. But when the weight loss coincided with the end of my marriage, perhaps triggering one too many insecurities in my ex — or maybe he did prefer fat women after all — it was hard not to subconsciously think that I could turn back the clock if only I looked like I used to. And then the new boyfriend loved my body just the way it was — I mean really did — maybe it was just because he was heavy himself. Knowing he stuck by a former girlfriend who gained 150 pounds exacerbated the feeling that weight was almost certainly his relationship dysfunction. Now, I’m only 10 pounds from my heaviest, and after getting rid of all my fat clothes, am pretty uncomfortable and ungainly in what little I have left to wear.

So here I am: fat, single, broke, and unhappy in my job. That could be the handful of words I use to describe 2007, and yes, they’d be pretty accurate. But it ain’t over until it’s over, and damnit, 2007 isn’t over yet.

Relationships: I really think I have wanted — and needed — to be single for a long time. I was a late bloomer — my first serious relationship was with my ex-husband, and that was in my 30s. And I constantly felt in my most recent relationship that my boyfriend needed more of my time than I really had to give. After weekends where we were together from Friday night to Monday morning, I spent the weeks playing catchup, and never felt like I could achieve what I wanted. Now, it feels like I’m on a creative high — moving forward with all kinds of things that I couldn’t before. And if I’m really just kidding myself with that one, I’ve recently met someone that, well, all I can really say is that he’s on my mind. And sometimes that alone is really nice — especially when it doesn’t have to square with reality. All in all, my current relationship status is a positive thing.

Job: It’s still a roller coaster ride, but I’m on the fun part of the ride at the moment. Despite my lack of skills and experience, there was a big payoff for a project I worked on. And, I’m training someone who wants to work on the parts of the job I don’t. I have someone internally who’s working with me to take the job where I’d like to see it go. Will it get there? If so, then I have the chance to ride an amazing wave of possibilities, and if not….

Everything else: I’ve been harboring all of these vague entrepreneurial impulses for a long time, but never really knew what to do with them. Certainly, with everything else going on (see above), I didn’t really have any space in my life to move them ahead. Then, I attended something that changed my life. I’ve never learned so much in such a concentrated period of time. (No, it’s nothing cultish, but if I linked it here, it’s so hot right now that more people would be reading this than I’m ready for just yet.) I made some new friends and connections that are already proving to be quite valuable and meaningful. And it’s help me crystallize an idea that everyone seems to think has some decent potential.

In the past week alone: I matched one of my new friends with a VC firm, who may be closing a deal with her really soon. (She’s earned it, believe me — we’re talking a real star on the rise.) I met a multi-millionaire who has decided that I’m “smart” and “hungry,” and wants to help me get where I want to go.  I’ve spent several nights with a whole new circle of friends.  In the few short days I’ve been getting to know them, I already feel more connected to than other friends I’ve met here.  I’ve got three blogs and a website going strong, after months of not writing at all.

All in all, life is full of possibilities — something that I  haven’t felt for a while, probably since  before my marriage broke up a couple of years ago.  And 2007 isn’t even over yet.

Out of Control December 9, 2007

Bono’s screaming “Out of Control” from my TV, and I’m patting myself on the back for knowing it’s U2’s first single. I could leave it there — I love U2, and am happy to hear this song, because it’s been a while. But very coincidentally, hearing this song came immediately after I’d finished reading this article in the New York Times: How to Boost Your Willpower.

I was eager to read whatever tips it might impart: I’ve been pretty “out of control” lately, and I can’t just blame it all on the holidays. It seems like when my brain is firing on all cylinders, it demands to be fed with junk food. This has led to major weight gain — I now weigh more than I have since 2003, when I lost a significant amount of weight. Now my clothes don’t fit, and it really hit home when I saw myself in a recent round of vacation photos from Madrid. There was only so much cropping I could do to make those look better. I can only console myself by telling myself that they’ll be good “before” photos. (I think that it’s an occupational hazard to see the bad as good — after all, lawyers don’t make money when things are good, but need to be able to fix the bad to justify their existence.)

So, back to the willpower tips…here’s the upshot of the article I read:

Studies now show that self-control is a limited resource that may be strengthened by the foods we eat. Laughter and conjuring up powerful memories may also help boost a person’s self-control. And, some research suggests, we can improve self-control through practice, testing ourselves on small tasks in order to strengthen our willpower for bigger challenges.

The part I didn’t get:  Study subjects who drank sugar-sweetened lemonade, which raises glucose levels quickly, performed better on self-control tests than those who drank artificially-sweetened beverages, which have no effect on glucose.  What’s this:  you have to eat sugar to have the willpower not to eat sugar?  That won’t do, especially for someone as sugar-sensitive as myself.

But here’s what the doctor who conducted the study said:  “You need the energy from food to have the willpower to exert self-control in order to succeed on your diet.”  Sounds pretty circular to me.  And I find that eating sugar at all triggers binges, where it’s hard to break the cycle of wanting sugar.

The rest of the tips sound more reasonable, though:  think happy, positive thoughts; focus on long-term goals, but start small.  Succeeding at one New Year’s resolution is better than having five resolutions that you don’t keep.

All that sounds good — now to just try to get through the holidays!

I Feel Your Pain, Courtney December 2, 2007

A couple of years ago, I discovered a Seattle blogger, Courtney of CDeluxe, and have read her blog regularly ever since. In that random way spawned by the Internet, somehow I ended up at her blog, but I couldn’t tell you how. Despite writing a blog myself since 03, and generally being attuned to the blogosphere, I actually don’t regularly read all that many blogs, especially those of a more personal nature. But I always managed to keep up with Courtney, while most of the other personal blogs I read fell by the wayside somehow.

I always thought it’s because I could imagine being a really good friend of Courtney’s if I knew her in real life, but that’s pretty unlikely to happen, given that she lives in Seattle, and I live in the Washington, DC area. And if I did get in touch through her blog, it would be in that awkward “I’m a big fan of yours” kind of way, so I can’t really imagine a normal kind of friendship resulting from that either. But she is on my blogroll (which given this blog’s recent inception, and my reticence about publicizing it much just yet, is hardly throwing huge traffic her way) and I still think she’s really cool.

Part of why I like her blog so much is that things stream out of her mouth (well, into her blog posts, actually) that I would swear come straight out of my head. And a recent post of hers, Disappointment, is no exception. It’s about how her relationships with some very close friends have deteriorated, essentially because they’re married with kids and she’s not. That exact problem isn’t quite mine, if only because I had a lot of gay friends, and even my straight friends are not typically the marrying kind. But hers are — she’s always talking about the weddings she’s attending.

This quote, however, stopped me dead in my tracks today:

I wanted to be married too. I wanted to be pregnant. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you think or hope it might, and sadly, no amount of planning, hoping or praying changes it. No one is more surprised and, indeed, appalled than I am that I haven’t managed these fantastic milestones for myself. But I have managed plenty of other things that I think are worth notice.

Word. Unlike Courtney, I actually am married. But in 10 days now, that marriage may be no more — that is, if he shows up for the hearing, and the paperwork is all in order (I could go into why these things may be in doubt, but it’s not productive and definitely not interesting). It didn’t result in the children I had hoped for either. No matter how many times I tell myself I never wanted to be a single mother, as my remaining fertile years pass (if they’re not already gone), I can surely be a little sad that I may never be a mother. (Courtney, you’re younger than I am — there’s still time, although who knows what the next few years will bring you.)

It’s not like going to a store, and picking out what you want. It’s also not like landing a job, and proceeding to climb the career ladder. All of these things require the cooperation of another person, and once that’s gone — whether you had a choice in the matter or not — everything becomes infinitely more difficult and complicated, if not impossible. I have another friend, C, who decided to adopt as a single mother. She has more money than I do — while poverty isn’t a barrier to pregnancy, it sure is to adoption, especially internationally — and it was more important to her, I think.

So for me, life definitely hasn’t turned out the way I’d thought or hoped it might, and I agree, you just can’t change that. Right now, I’m just trying not to repeat the same mistakes (which actually explains a recent breakup with the person I met post-separation) and focusing on all the other things that I, too, think are worth notice.

It doesn’t mean I don’t have my surprised and appalled days, though. Today may just be one of them, as I ponder the fact that very soon, I’ll be truly single for the first time this decade.

I Like This Guy December 2, 2007

When Opportunity Came Crawling

Seems like he traded one set of cucarachas for another, don’t you think? Except he was smart enough to pick the most containable variety.

Ode to Bacon December 2, 2007

I just finished cooking a pound of bacon. I had to — it was past the expiration date, so keeping it for seven more days past opening just wouldn’t do. It made for a glorious breakfast, along with some cheddar cheese biscuits — the only good thing about Red Lobster — that were made with Carbquik and some Yancey’s Fancy Buffalo Wing Cheddar (also probably good enough to be the subject of its own blog post, but I digress).

What is it about bacon that makes it such a guilty pleasure? Yes, it has lots of saturated animal fat, but as an erstwhile low-carber and determined carnivore, I don’t exactly buy into the “saturated fat is the root of all evil” nonsense. There’s the salt, but you can get low-sodium bacon (right up there with caffeine-free Diet Mountain Dew in the “what’ s the point?” category) and I also don’t worry about salt consumption so much, since my blood pressure always tends to be on the low side of normal.

Is it because it’s such a working-class food? You will see fancy-schmancy hamburgers, costing $11 and upwards. Sausages have become pretty darn upscale as well, don’t you think? (God bless Bruce Aidells.) But you rarely see bacon outside of diners, and even applewood-smoked bacon (which occasionally you see crumbled on salads at some upscale restaurants) still doesn’t ascend to the culinary heights the way that some other meat products have managed. And I’m sorry, but those places who try to fool you by calling what you’re eating “pork bellies” should immediately cease. Pork bellies may be a commodity on the open market, but in a restaurant, just call it bacon, fer Chrissakes!

My happiness — and the fact that I was writing a blog post — led me to explore the underbelly (get it?) of bacon blogs — those who go beyond what I’m attempting on a one-time basis to embrace baconism with frequency. Here are some that I quickly uncovered:

The Bacon Show: recipes yes, commentary, not so much

Bacontarian: has a great tagline that sums it up: bacontarian – a person who supplements an otherwise normal diet with large amounts of pork!

The Bacon Salt Blog: promoting a new product, Bacon Salt, as part of a “never-ending quest to make everything taste like bacon.” Seems like bacon might lose some of its allure then, but who knows — maybe it’s a worthy quest. Apparently it tastes really good on maple-frosted donuts.

I ♥ Bacon: Not too many recent posts, but good links and blogroll.

Bacon Unwrapped: Alert to bacon recipes in gourmet food magazines. Now that’s helpful!

Bacon Unwrapped led me to another exquisitely written ode to pork products which appeared in Slate: Some Pig. Of course, it made me a little sad. Despite growing up on a farm, and being a determined carnivore (even a week without red meat just doesn’t agree with me), the animal lover in me sometimes has a little trouble dwelling on the slaughter side of things. I’m sure in the minds of some vegetarians, this makes me an evil person. Oh well.

But after all that surfing and pondering, I guess it doesn’t really matter why I love bacon. I just do. Having it for breakfast this morning made me very happy. And every time I see these, they make me smile.