Let’s call it magic. Or maybe it’s mojo. Whatever it is, I suddenly have it, after a lifetime of not having it. Things have been rolling my way, in a way that someone two decades younger can appreciate. Actually, someone almost two decades younger has been quite appreciative. Or truth be told, two or three someones in that age range lately, depending on what you count. Then there’s the age-appropriate one – the object of a crush that materialized out of nowhere (the mutual realization, that is, not the crush itself, which has been hanging around for a little while at least). And then the older one, who gives great phone (but not quite exactly like you’re thinking). It’s as much of a surprise that he’s over ten years older, as it is with the ones that are younger – we all seem to be in the same place right now. That’s the good stuff in my life at the moment…
Then there’s the not-as-good: not bad, exactly, just not working for me. There’s the married one: they’re always trouble, and this is no exception, this blast from my past. There are also the couple of crushes that recently faded, which in prior days would have left me heartbroken. Now, I can see why they never would have worked in the first place, and even why I’m glad things weren’t ultimately reciprocated. I’ve figured out how to keep them in my life – in a good, enriching way, not a painful, torturous way – hanging onto the things that I initially found attractive. Oh, and I can’t forget the past that’s still hanging on (or clinging, more accurately) – history keeps repeating itself. In the past, I would have been trying to make some of these bad situations work, instead of realizing their inadequacy.
Add in a couple of instances of indeterminate but definitely flirtatious chemistry that might have been taken farther with a little more time and effort, and you have my life right now. It probably sounds like I’m bragging, but those close enough to me have witnessed it lately. You can’t make this stuff up (well, you can, I guess, but that’s not the way I roll). I don’t think that much has changed when I look in the mirror – I see the same old person who has always struggled to get what (and who) I wanted.
One observation is that by starting to become the person I want to be, instead of the person I thought I should be, I become someone that others can more easily be attracted to. I’m giving off the right kind of vibe (or again, that mojo) to make those that I’m most likely to find attractive start gravitating in my direction. Or maybe it’s that I’ve stopped giving a flying…fish (like Pike Place Market, you know) about finding “Mr. Right.”
I sometimes worry about the ethics and morals of it all. Not in a puritanical, religious sort of way, but in a Golden Rule kind of way. But do guys believe in the Golden Rule? That’s not just a gratuitous slam in a Mars/Venus or chauvinistic kind of way, but a real question. Do guys ever worry whether they’re treating someone the way they want to be treated, or do they take for granted the differences in the way that men and women treat each other? At any rate, I feel like I’m dealing with folks who know the score, and not representing any of the situations for anything more than they are.
Who wins? There’s a clear winner in my head, but holding patterns don’t work so well for me (as you might have guessed from this post) when there are so many life experiences out there to have. I’m not so good with playing it cool, pretending it means something different or less than it does. I’m being honest, genuine, not holding back, not worrying about being liked or loved. I don’t have to settle for less than optimal right now, with the confidence I now have that something better could come along, and will, if it’s meant to be. Until then, I’m having lots and lots of fun, and seeing what becomes of it. For those of you involved in this tale, I hope that’s okay.
