So I haven’t written at this blog in three months or so. That’s not surprising. I have four blogs, and have only written at one of them lately (if you call one post in a month lately), and that’s because it’s my job. And even at that one, I’m having real trouble writing something significant. I love to write, and while I’ve had some bouts of being too busy to write, I’ve never faced anything like this before. It feels like my bout of laryngitis last month– I’ve lost my ability to communicate in my favorite way (even more favorite than talking, which I know is hard for some to believe.)
So what’s behind it all? Here goes for some online therapeutic self-diagnosis. (Don’t worry, I’ll still ask my therapist to weigh in.) I hope it will help me — just forcing some exercise on unworked muscles — and maybe some others too.
Over the last three months, I’ve gone through a tremendous amount of changes. First, I changed jobs, and have returned to lead the organization I love the most, after a year elsewhere. We’ve been given essentially a year’s budget to make it work. While I was making the transition, there was much that I couldn’t write about (and still can’t.) It’s hard to write when one of the most significant things in your life — work — suddenly becomes something you can’t talk about, and especially ironic given my career focus on workplace issues.
Then, I was dealing with a whirlwind of relationship issues, some of which were alluded to in my last post. Things have more or less righted themselves, although I can’t say I’m in what you call a stable situation. But the thing I wanted the most to work out didn’t, and the one that had to end ended, both of which were harder on me than I expected. And I’m frankly ambivalent about what’s currently happening. On the plus side, it’s fun, and it’s a good learning experience. On the minus side, I’m not sure what’s happening is entirely good for me. About all of this, as Forrest would say, “that’s all I can say about that” – yet something else playing a big role in my life that I really can’t blog about, not without the blogging itself becoming part of the story and hastening the end of things.
But also, I think a lot of writer’s block is rooted in a fear of failure, and this is probably no exception. I’ve bitten off something huge, and I’m terribly impatient to make it work — NOW. I don’t have nearly enough resources to do it the right way, so I’m constantly devising workarounds and shifting priorities. It’s easier to cross off your to-do list something that must be done, like communicating with the IRS or filling out certain forms, than it is to focus on the big picture and really dig deep into the issues that matter. It’s hard to have the mental space to blog when so many other things have to get done. And part of my job now is to draw much more attention to my work, so that means I feel even more pressure for it to be really good. With nobody to delegate to, it’s all on me, which is scary.
Okay, so now I’ve thrown it out there. Hopefully now that it’s been aired, I can find what I need to write about something else, and get everything going again. Maybe even you’ll be wishing I would shut up — I guess there are worse problems for a blogger and writer to have, right?
